weaknesses

somewhere i learned the negative associations are the most powerful thing in the world. and in a universe where i didnt know how to leave you behind and no longer be a part of your being, i used that as my weapon. burning and bruising and stumbling over loved and treasured places, and almost dying more times than i can recall. its hard to drink red wine when you try to overdose on caffeine tablets and panadol and throw up so hard you think you're going to have absolutely nothing left inside you (so, you'd match how you feel) making the associations more powerful than anything you were ever capable of.

 i spent the better half of 23 years being so tired, shaking in my ow skin, jittering and constantly wanting to escape. i felt calmer the 4 years i spent sharing your skin. i liked the way you slowed my mind, stopped the shaking and just made everything more still and okay.  then you left, and i starting shaking again and i couldn't sit down, i just kept wanting to escape, and no matter how many towns i ran through, or foreign bodies to tried to share i never stopped feeling so confined. then when i reached the bottom of two bottles of wine, and i left 5 voice mails on your answering machine, i realised why i cant ever find calm without you.

and it hit me somewhere in between me draping myself of your grave like the liquid sadness that i felt like that nothing had really changed. it was still me yelling at you with anger and love and you not saying a word.

i'll just keep smoking these god damn death sticks and hope that they kill me before the haze clears and i have to look you in the eyes again.

 i wish that people were more transparent. we're all skin and bones and most of the things that keep us awake and that break our bones is so internalized and completely invisible. cause most of the time living kind of feels like i've spent countless hours spinning around in circles, and now i'm just trying to keep my stomach from rising, or my eyes from leaking every last liquid i have inside me while the world rushes so inconceivably fast. i know that i can heal. skin grows over deep wounds, and even the whitest mountainous scar tissue fades. but i dont know if the external matches the inside. the cuts have healed and the bruises are start

i tried to keep you a part of myself for as long as i could. but like everything in my life, it crumbled and dissovled and all i ended up left with was all your bad habits and self destruction. dont get me wrong, if i had a choice between nothing, and putting cigarettes out on the palms on my hands the way you taught me, or drinking my coffee black and gritty, i'll take the later every time. (nothing hurts about the same) cause the only thing i've learned in my 21 years on this planet is that you're always told its going to be be 'okay. that time heals all the crap that you're feeling right now, and that you have to not dwell on things so mu

i unpacked the box of your stuff and laid it out on the bed carefully with a reason that i cant explain and sat there for hours, and stared at all the keepsakes, letters, pictures, ticket stubs and realised that i had made a memorial. of something that wasnt really dead, just that time had moved on from. it was a little pocket of history, and i wished i could just stay here in this suspended moment for a little longer.